Wednesday, September 1


Our move to Toledo went well. The house is unpacked for the most part, and we are working on slowly moving over Kevin's belongings in preperation for the union of our two households. The kids started school yesterday, and we are all beginning to settle down into a routine. Kevin has been here every day since we moved-Saturday for the moving of furniture and some unpacking, then Sunday for a bit of relaxation after church, and Monday and Tuesday he came 'home' after work for dinner, then stayed for a little while after the kids went to bed. It's been odd-to be in the same city after spending our entire courtship seeing each other strictly on the weekends-but idyllic.

Jeremy was working on homework last night as I was preparing dinner. Because of the timing of our move, Jeremy missed the first four days of school, and therefore had a fair stack of schoolwork to catch up on. As I cooked, Jeremy sat at the table and worked on the papers. Kevin had been outside playing with Brooklyn and Kadon, and came inside as Jeremy was struggling with one of the assignments.

Without a word to me, Kevin approached the table and began to help Jeremy with his homework.

For a moment, I stood alone in the kitchen-frozen, unable to continue the task before me. My heart caught in my throat-constricted in an odd tangle of pain and pride.

I'm so grateful to be marrying a man who wants to help his children with homework.

I'm so sad that Ammon was never able to help his son with assignments.

I'm feeling guilty that in the midst of a perfectly normal evening-I was struck with a momentary pang of 'missing' that pierced me in an unexpected way. It passed quickly and was replaced with gratitude, but it was there.

It's an odd thing-this loving after losing. It's wonderful and unexpected, but I'm learning that there are still pitfalls and grief triggers even in the face of love and happiness.

The wedding is a little over 2 weeks away. I can't believe it-it alternately seems eons away or speeding toward me like a freight train. I can't wait to be married to Kevin-he is everything I longed for in a companion, and so much more. He loves me and the children in a way that I didn't think was possible, and I am profoundly grateful for the chance to love him. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I wholeheartedly believe in the Law of Chastity. That being said-I am a physical woman. After spending 8 years in a loving and healthy marriage, returning to abstinence is difficult.

It's right. It's healthy. The reasons for doing so are perfect and wonderful.

It's still hard. It's hard for me to express love without using my body, without violating the beliefs I hold so dear. I will never be sorry we choose to wait until our wedding night, but sometimes the waiting hurts. Sometimes the waiting makes me question things that I shouldn't-have no reason to question. I struggle with letting my hormones rule my emotions and speak to my heart.

I wrestled with whether or not to blog today. I have set a goal to be better about chronicaling our new life adventures here, and I knew that I had time this morning to sit and record some of the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head. I also was acutely aware that I'm on a bit of an emotional down today-that thoughts and grief and difficulties are dragging on my spirit.

"I don't want to blog today" I thought. "I don't feel happy and blessed today, and I don't want a post today to be depressing".

Since when have I ever hidden from hard emotions on this blog?

I tried to talk to Kevin-late last night, after the emotions had already rendered me incapable of logic-but wasn't able to properly articulate what I'm feeling. Things have been so good since we moved to Toledo. Everything we wanted for our relationship, for our lives, has been better here. Kissing him goodbye in the evenings and knowing that we get to see each other again after work the next day is wonderful-sitting next to him in church on Sunday and knowing we didn't have an emotional goodbye later that evening was wonderful. I anxiously watch the clock every afternoon, waiting for the hour when he will walk through the door to spend the evening with us.

I've typed several different paragraphs here-deleting each one a character at a time before publishing. Clearly I'm no better at articulating this morning than I was late last night.

I need to remember how to be grateful. I need to remind myself that life is good-and take the time to appreciate the fact that I'm not rushing to class today. That I don't have a paper to write, or a test to study for. That I dropped my two healthy little boys off at school this morning, and that I get to spend the day with my beautiful baby girl. That tonight the love of my life is going to come home from work, and we're going to go to the gym together, then spend the evening with each. I'm healthy. I'm strong. I've survived SO MUCH.

Instead, I'm sitting here feeling homesick, sad, and lonely. The homesick I understand-the sad and lonely I have lost the the 'rights' to. Even with so much happiness, hope, and promise swirling around us, I am struggling with....with an emotion I don't even know how to put into words.

Today, I'm taking the day off. I'm going to let Brooklyn watch a movie, and I'm going to curl up on the sofa next to her and read my book.

I might shed some more tears.

I might miss the life I left behind in Cincinnati.

And at the end of today, I will put a smile on my face and in my heart-kiss my children and my fiance-and remember to be grateful for all that I have been blessed with.

It's what I do.