Wednesday, April 21

Whataya Want From Me

I heard this song on the radio this afternoon on my way to school, and was struck by how much it sounds like a theme for my life these days.

Whataya Want From Me
-Adam Lambert

Hey, slow it down. Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me
Yeah, I'm afraid. Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?

There might have been a time
that I would give myself away
Oooh, once upon a time I didn't give a damn
But now, here we are, so whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?

Just don't give up, I'm working it out.
Please don't giv ein, I will let you down.
It messed me up, need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around.
Hey, whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?

Yeah, it's plain to see (plain to see)
that baby you're beautiful
and there's nothing wrong with you.
(nothing wrong with you)
It's me, I'm a freak (yeah)
But thanks for lovin' me
cause you're doin' perfectly.

There might have been a time
that I would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life.

Just don't give up, I'm workin' it out.
Please don't give in, I won't let you down.
It messed me up, need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around.
Hey, whataya want from me? (whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me? (whataya want from me)

Just don't give up on me.
I won't let you down.
No, I won't let you down.

(So hey) just don't give up
I'm workin' it out.
Please don't give in,
I won't let you down.
It messed me up (it messed me up)
Need a second to breathe.
Hey, whataya want frome me?

Tuesday, April 20

Chip In

This is the post where I brazenly and shamelessly beg for money from my faithful readers. I have this overwhelming desire to take my family to Utah this summer. In July it will have been three years ago since we moved here, and most of my family hasn't seen us since we left the west. Of course a few of them came out for the funeral two years ago, and I made a brief trip back with just Brooklyn a few months later, but I want to take a real vacation.

I started counting pennies a while ago, and I'm coming up short. Family members have offered to help where they can, but we still need some funds to be able to make the extended trip home over the summer. 4 plane tickets cross country don't come free, darn it! I'm hoping if enough people donate small amounts, that it will add up to an amount large enough for us to be able to travel this summer and visit everybody westward yonder. So....c'mon, go dig in the sofa! Find some pennies, and help us travel to the land of sunshine and Bear Lake Raspberries! I posted a widget in my sidebar-all money will be securely deposited into my PayPal account, and if you end up giving something, please comment and let me know so I can properly thank you!

Sunday, April 11

2 Years

I don't know why I stepped away from my blog. I know I put my head down and trucked along, and that somewhere along the way I forgot to record every minute detail of my life here. Eventually, the more I stayed away and the less I blogged-the easier it got to stop seeing my life as a series of blog posts. To see my stories as anecdotal blurbs to amuse the masses who stop by here daily.

At some point, I stopped being a blogger, and I'm not sure why.

I'm also not entirely sure why I'm deciding to come back today, of all days, but I know that I didn't feel right about letting another milestone pass by without chronicling it in the method I know best.

Must husband died 730 days and 4 hours ago. To those of you who are far too lazy to do the math, that works out to 2 years + 4 hours. In the days leading up to this odd milestone, I was snappish. I was irritable, cranky, and easily annoyed. Of course, some days I am that way even when grief milestone aren't approaching, but this time I chose to blame the impending 11th on my foul temperament. Aside from a couple rough days on Thursday and Friday, the day marking the end of my second year as a young widow was pretty non-descript. The kids and I woke up this morning leisurely, and they shuffled downstairs to watch cartoons while I made blueberry muffins and Amish friendship bread. I showered after breakfast, and we all got dressed and attended church together. After several hours of meetings, we transferred ourselves home and enjoyed a few hours with family.

It was a nondescript, non-painful Sunday afternoon. Barely any mention was made of Ammon-minus a brief period where I requested divine intervention on the a green wedge during Trivial Pursuit. He didn't come through with the answer for me, and we laughed as we tossed around jokes and one-liners. It was a good day, which feels a bit odd in a way.

In Sunday School this afternoon the teacher was talking about Joseph of the Egypt, and how his life took on unexpected turn after another. First his brothers sold him into slavery-which seemed awful. Instead of ending up as a slave for the rest of his existence, though, Joseph ended up becoming the 2nd most important man in Egypt, and held a position of great power and wealth during a time of great famine and struggling.

"What experience have you had in your life, that initially seemed bad, but ended up being for your good?" the teacher asked. "Would you be willing to share it with us?"

I sat in the back row, newly released from working with the children and attending Sunday School for the first time in many years. My mind mulled over my life, and since Ammon was at the forefront as usual, I pondered what his death means in my life after 2 years.

I'm still not sure I'd qualify it as a 'good' thing, but the strengths I have gained are undeniable and plentiful. The experiences I have had and the friendships I have made have contributed to a rich tapestry that I would never have spun otherwise. I've always been a silver-lining kind of girl, and I'm grateful that personality trait hasn't diminished.

I posted on Facebook this morning that 2 years ago my sweetheart had left us for a different type of journey. As expected, I received a great deal of response, but I want to share a few here that especially touched me:

"...You have found incredible inner strength in your journey, and I am always so impressed by your attitude..."

"...I can't think of a single person who could handle your life with as much grace and strength as you have. You are one of my personal heroes! God bless you and your precious family today and every day!"

"...I hope today you are able to find some peace among the tears..."

"...remember we are all here for you, and we love you..."

"You are an inspiration to me every single day."

"....I continue to pray for you and your little ones."

"Ammon is sooo proud of you, he knows that you will be together again and loves it that you keep the vision of what is really important."

And my very favorite, from a boy who has re-entered my life in a new and different way:

"...remembering a great friend, a wonderful father, a faithful husband...Ammon, you are sorely missed!"

There were 34 comments on my Facebook post today, only a brief snippet of which I shared here. I received phone calls and expressions of comfort at church today. I-WE-are so very loved, and we gain strength from these numbers. It is such a blessing, and my heart is overflowing with gratitude for a peaceful day.

I know, I teased you with mention of a boy. Someday I'll share that story too, but right now I'm too busy trying to figure out how to let my heart open again.