Based on an online conversation with a good friend tonight:
Victoria: So what do you do when you feel like the worlds worst mother?
Friend: that happens to me almost everyday...why what happened?
Victoria: I just had a really bad day. Brooklyn is cutting her two year molars, and was up half the night screaming. She whined all day, and I had to miss my aerobics class, personal-training session, and two classes. Then I made dinner, and Kadon refused to eat. He has this infuriating habit of making himself throw up when he doesn't want to eat something, even if it's something he likes. It sends me over the edge even on good days, so today when he did it I completely erupted. I forced him to eat about half of it, but before that I ended up slapping him a couple times because he wouldn't stop crying, and then I screamed some um...pretty foul obscenities. It was just a really, really bad day. Days like today are the ones that make me feel all squirmy and uncomfortable when people approach me and tell me what an 'inspiration I am'.
Friend: I can totally sympathize. They just send you over the edge and you just end up doing things you regret later. I assure you, it happens to us all. Not that it makes you feel any better....
Victoria: I just.......I don't know. I should have been able to handle today better. Other Mom's do. It wasn't Brooklyn's fault that her mouth hurt all day, and that she couldn't sleep. And it wasn't Jeremy and Kadon's fault that I was tired and stressed about all the things I was missing to stay home with her.
Friend: No, other mom's don't...these are the kinds of things a lot of moms just don't talk about
Victoria: I should have been patient, and just spent the day enjoying not having to run everywhere for the first time in weeks--instead I spent the day being a bitch.
Friend: you have A LOT on your shoulders right now....yeah maybe you "should of" been a lot of things but you know, you are still mortal and days like that just do that to us.
Victoria: I feel like I should be better than that. They deserve better than that. If I had just changed my attitude earlier in the day, it probably could have resolved a lot of the tension. I spent all day being stressed about not exercising and some assignments I needed to do--and yet I did nothing to fix it. I could have done an aerobic video. But I didn't. I could have worked on my history paper or my A&P flashcards. But I didn't. Crap, I could have done housework, but I didn't.
Friend: well, there is always tomorrow. Kids are pretty forgiving I have found too.
Victoria: I know. But they shouldn't have to forgive me. I'm supposed to be the adult here.
Friend: QUITE BEATING YOURSELF UP!!
Victoria: The worst part of it is--today isn't even that unusual! I mean, it was slightly worse than usual, but I'm tense and irritable SO OFTEN. I hate it!
Friend: hummm, I wonder why?
Victoria: BUT THIS IS MY REALITY! BEING TENSE AND BITCHY ALL THE TIME WON'T BRING AMMON BACK! I need to figure out how to deal with it, and stop using it as a crutch for being a crappy Mom. It's just.........a sore spot, I guess. This whole 'you have a reason to be a rotten person' thing. I'm all they have left, you know? And their childhood--these years--they're FLYING by. And I feel SO OFTEN like I'm screwing it up. They have this horrible, stressed, grieving pile of a Mom to deal with, instead of what they should have had. And it's NOT FAIR. Not to them, not to me--not to anybody--but it is what it is. And I SUCK at dealing with it.
Friend: You can only do the best you can and that changes every day, several times a day. I'm sure you've heard this a million times but pray. He wouldn't just take Ammon and leave you stranded.
Victoria: It feels that way sometimes. Actually, it feels like that most of the time. I feel SO much pressure. Everybody keeps telling me 'stop beating yourself up, it takes time, you're under a lot of pressure....', but they don't get it! They try, and I love them for it. But there's no TIME! I have to get it right, right NOW! They're growing up, and this is NOT what I want them to remember. I'm a mess, and I'm not there for them, and I hate myself for that!
Friend: I can totally understand why you feel that way. They do grow up too fast and I think we all look back and think I should of done this different and that different. So, yes, you're are absolutely right. But what else can you do?
Victoria: I don't know. Just be better, I guess.
I'm not sure why I'm even sharing this. Laid pretty bare for the 'net, is one of my darker days of parenting. I guess I post this in the hopes that someday, my kids will read it. Not so they can recall the days (far too frequently) when I'm like this--but so they can see that I hate it. That I WANT to be better. That I'm beating myself up at 10:30 at night for completley losing my shit today.
It shouldn't be this way, but it is. I'm sorry guys, and I'm going to try to do better. You deserve so much--and I want to be the Mommy you deserve. I love you, even on days when I'm a rotten person.
7 comments:
Victoria - I admire your honesty. Most keep it hidden and give out the pretend smile. Your friend is right, you are by far not the only mom to be fighting these guilty feelings. It is easy for us to respond telling you all the fluffy words of its going to be ok, but we don't walk in your shoes. It will be ok.....but how you get there will be up to you. I don't know your situation as far as working or having to work.....I assume you have gone back to school in hopes to obtain a better paying job??? I don't know. Can you look at your schedule and ease up on anything? I know your school year is ending real soon here and it sounds like you have the summer off. That may be your time to see how things go with being home more. If your summer goes well you need to think hard and long about the fall schedule so as not to set yourself back up for failure. Even us mom's that have not lost a spouse fight the time restraint....getting themselves in way too much and taking it out on the kids. It's so ok to say "no" and turn down things that take way too much time.
You are right that us that have not lost a spouse, do not understand. We simply do not. We try to pretend we do.
When you do lose it with the kids, make sure (especially your boys) you go back and talk to them - one on and one and tell them mommy is sorry. You may already to do this. I did that and still do with my teenagers. I admit to them when I am wrong. As them for forgivness and like your friend said, start a new day.
Just so you know--this part:
"Victoria: I just.......I don't know. I should have been able to handle today better. Other Mom's do. It wasn't Brooklyn's fault that her mouth hurt all day, and that she couldn't sleep. And it wasn't Jeremy and Kadon's fault that I was tired and stressed about all the things I was missing to stay home with her.
Friend: No, other mom's don't...these are the kinds of things a lot of moms just don't talk about"
Is SOOOOOO true. Geesh, I have just one baby AND a living husband, and just an hour ago I was reduced to tears and had to leave the baby screaming in her room because I was to the point that I just wanted to shake her and shake her until she stopped crying.
Whenever I get that way, I'm almost immediately overcome with guilt. I'm a grown-up for heavens' sake! Why can't I take it more in stride?
So anyway, those are my two cents. I'm a bit surprised to be admitting this for anyone to read, (since I know that at least two or three people read your blog that know me as well, and I'd just as soon that they not have this mental image of me) but if it helps at all, then my pride can suffer.
I'm sorry you had such a rough day.
I can only second what everyone else has said. I think you posted this for your kids and for yourself, but also for me. At least I know I'm not the only mom that loses it with her kids and then agonizes in guilt over what happened. Whoever said it was right - everyone loses it but we just don't talk about it. Thanks for being honest, Victoria. Just learn from today (or yesterday) and apply what you've learned to tomorrow and next week, etc. Being a parent and trying to change our bad habits/behaviors isn't about perfection, it's about changing the percentage of how often we act like idiots. Yeah, times will be tough for you and your kids, but I will bet that once they are older, and especially when they have children of their own, they will hold you in such high esteem for the job you did. My dad was raised by his mother (his dad was killed in an accident when my dad was 2yo) and she was tough as nails and made mistakes, but he looks back at what she DID accomplish on her own and he's grateful beyond words, and it's quite amazing. This probably falls under the "yeah, sounds nice but doesn't help" category, and I hope it doesn't anger you in any way. I am tempted to delete it but won't, just in case. If it does make you want to reach through the monitor and punch me, go ahead, and then delete my comment.
If nothing else, you have at least admitted you are part of the "Moms Who Lose It" club and have more guts than the rest of us. ;o) (((HUGS))) and loves
Victoria,
Life is messy for all of us. Sometimes as moms we have to teach our children hard lessons. One of them is how to forgive. Just think, you are letting them practice that on you. One of them is also to learn how to make mistakes. You are showing them we all make mistakes. Show them what to do after we make a mistake, and they will be alright in the long run. I hope you know I only comment with love and tender feelings for you, your family and your situation. Everyone is right, we all do this. I have so lost it with my kids and felt so very bad. All we can do is ask our own forgiveness, From our kids and our Father in Heaven and then try again. Forgive yourself, for not being all you want to be or "should" be. That will help. Call your friends when you are in the middle of a tough situation..... one where Ammon would have helped and let someone else (even by phone) talk to the kids or help you just to vent. Maybe that will help. Love you.
I can't add any more than what these other wonderful ladies have said. All moms go through this, we all lose it. Tomorrow is another day. Another day to kiss their sweet faces and hold them close to you. It's amazing what a few tender moments one-on-one will do for that mother/child relationship. One of the most important things is that they know that you love them. Even when you lose it and yell at them, take the time to say sorry and tell them you love them. It's an important lesson for them to learn (I know someone already mentioned that), and no one else loves them more than you do, as their mother.
I wish I could step in and help, I wish words could take away the pain and the hurt, I wish so many things for you. But mostly I continue to pray. (((hugs))) Love you...
I have more days like this than not like this lately it seems like. It's hard dealing with kids all of the time and there are times when you will feel like you're being a crappy mom; we all have those days.
You're doing fine and your kids will understand when they have kids of their own to deal with.
Victoria,
I honestly don't know the pain and suffering you are going through not having Ammon with you anymore but I can tell you this, No matter what happens today there is ALWAYS tomorrow. Life brings its hard ship and its trial but it also brings love joy and happiness. I don't like to admit this any more than you do but I have been to the point of hurting my children that I have had to call someone to come and get them before I hurt them so badly that I would never forgive myself. That was nearly a year ago and it happened more than once or twice. I have a hard time forgiving myself for those days still. However I know that with the Lord all things are possible and he will forgive you and so will your children. You are much loved! You are trying your best and you are allowed to have bad days. It IS okay. I know it is hard to keep the Lord in your life when you feel like he isn't there, I also know that somewhere down the road you will realize he has been there the whole time. I hope that you will always try to keep him in your life even on those days that it feels that he isn't there for you. He knows what you are going through. He has felt it all. Thankyou for sharing this and know that it is true that you are not alone, as Sarah Anne said it, in "The moms who lose it club" I too am a member far too often than I like to admit
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