First Steps

Brooklyn took her first wobbly, tentative steps this afternoon. While Jeremy was in school, I had Brooklyn and Kadon upstairs with me and was attempting to put the boy's bedroom in order. I set Brooklyn down in front of me as I have often done lately--standing up, with nothing to hold onto. She has made great strides in her balance, and I knew it wouldn't be long before the feet started to move. This afternoon, before I could get up and get to work, she took two steps toward me and fell into my arms. My first reaction was elation--it really was. I held her close and shouted about her accomplishment. I told Kadon that his baby sister took two steps, and stood her up in front of me again to try a second time. This time she only took one step, but it's obvious that her crawling days are numbered. I made exactly two phone calls--one to my mother, and one to his mother. I know that I should be spreading the word wide, but grief once again casts a shadow over everything I do. The one person I wanted to tell is completely unreachable by phone.

I know I should be reveling in Brooklyn's achievements, and I do. I take pleasure in her sweet spirit, in her gentle laugh, and in her emerging sense of humor. These last five months we have clung to each other, her and I, and I have taken great strength from my petite angel. If not for my Brooklyn, I could never have survived the sheer weight of pain the last few months. I do celebrate her steps today, and look forward to all that is coming. I can't help but feel sadness over yet another milestone that he is missing. It hurts almost more than I can bear.