Anxiety

Tomorrow morning, I will wake up at 5:45, warm up my laptop, and sign away the next ten weeks of my life. I am trying desperately to catch up on my nursing pre-requisites so that I can be admitted into the program next winter, and am taking a class load this spring, summer, and fall that makes my brain hurt just thinking about it. Tomorrow I will sign up for American History, Anatomy and Physiology, Anatomy and Physiology lab, Chemistry, Chemistry lab, and Psychology II. I have also managed to keep my schedule open on Monday and Tuesday mornings so that I can continue to attend my aerobics class and get Kadon to and from pre-school. Mary will continue to drive down to watch the kids, but switching from three times a week to twice a week. On Tuesday and Thursday she has to be here no later than 9, and will still until about 4. I will once again be searching for reliable, affordable outside childcare solutions for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday afternoon and into the evening. I have some hope that a sister in the ward will be willing to help out with payment, but I am unsure about the sacrifice it would require for her.


After spending several hours last night poring over the class offerings on the school website and figuring out how my needs fit into the mix, I tossed and turned all night. I'm already having anxiety about the work in front of me, and the sacrifices that will surely be necessary to ensure success. My GPA is critical for admission into the College of Nursing. My children are critical to my success as a mother. I'm not sure how to fit the two into the next ten weeks.

In the Sociology class I'm taking this quarter, we talk a lot about roles. Each of us have many roles--some of mine are daughter, widow, sister, mother, and friend. Each of us also has a 'master role', or a role that eclipses other roles, and serves to identify us and establish our place in society. Slowly, I feel my master role slipping from mother, into student. I don't like it. It's uncomfortable me, but I don't know how else to fulfill my family's needs. I ache that along with all the previous losses, my children and I also have to learn to deal with such a drastic and difficult master role change.

I miss my old life. So much.