Explanation

I suppose my declaration of having a shitty day deserves some explanation. My day didn't start out well today, as I stated in my post earlier. For the last few days, I have been in correspondence with a gentleman who lives in central Kentucky. We have much in common, and share a similar viewpoint on life, morality, and family. I felt more chemistry with Shawn than I have with any other man I've corresponded with and was feeling the beginning tendrils of something that could only be identified as hope. Shawn is principled and honest, trustworthy and good. Even in our short range of communication, those things were evident. In the moments after our first conversation on the telephone, I felt a warm certainty that Ammon would approve of me having a relationship with a man like him. Neither of us had unrealistic expectations that a white picket fence and a blended family awaited in our future, but we both dared to hope. In the course of one of our discussions, we discovered that between his busy schedule, my class schedule, and our family lives there would be precious little time for us to physically spend together building the sort of bond we both crave. Coupled with 2 1/2 hours of interstate between us, and it was enough to put a damper on our enthusiasm. Today, I rose earlier in order to register for my spring quarter, in order to ensure entrance into the classes that I really need. The space in these classes fills up quickly, closing out any more students from getting in, and I needed to reserve my spot. When I logged onto my computer, I noticed that Shawn was online. I quickly sent him a message, and within seconds he informed me that he had been doing some thinking, and had come to the conclusion that it would be unfair to me to get involved. He reiterated the problem of available time we uncovered over the weekend, and that he would not be responsible for leading me on. Then, he was gone. He logged off before I could offer rebuttal. As I sat, bleary eyed from sleep, and tried to rapidly enter numbers into my computer to secure my class schedule, I picked up my cell phone and dialed Shawn's number. I asked him not to give up so easily. I came dangerously close to begging him to give a relationship between the two of us a shot--but the truth? His logic is impeccable. As much as it hurts me to admit, no matter how suited we may be together, I need somebody that is more available than he is. I have a full, busy life. Shawn has a full, busy life. If, down the road we decided to blend those lives, there could be sacrifices made. At this point, that is extremely premature. I respect him greatly for the sacrifice he made this morning, and for his tenderness in considering my needs before a desire to build a relationship that is likely doomed from the beginning. In an ironic, painful way, it is exactly this fact about his personality that makes him my first choice for a serious relationship. I long to be cared for by a man of his caliber--and I COULD be, if only the situation were different. I long to step into his life and show him the kind of affection and love that we both need in our lives, but it simply isn't feasible. The mechanics make the dream impossible, and tonight that brought me to tears. I am so frustrated with being alone. Shawn had no way of knowing that today is the 10 month anniversary of losing Ammon. He had no way of knowing how much I would hurt tonight as I sit here and type this, and he will probably never realize how often I will think of him in the coming weeks, wishing that we were in the throes of an early relationship. Do I secretly hope that at some point he will change his mind, and we can take a chance on crazy? That we could commit to a difficult long-term relationship, and see where it takes us? Does the opportunity for greatness outweigh the potential pain? I don't know. I like to think so, but I can't force the issue. This is his decision, and I won't choose to question the choice that a man I barely know made to keep my heart safe from harm. Someday, I pray all of these things will make sense, because right now they certainly don't.