The Olympics Stole My Free Time

Seriously. They did. I have a series of updates, hopefully I can remember them all. I'll do them in whatever order they occur to me, which could perhaps be a very odd post. Enjoy!

We've had several-and by several I mean 4 and 2 delayed starts-in the last 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS, people. And in those 2 weeks Jeremy had a silly 'mid-winter break'. In essence, he attended school roughly 4.5 days in the last 14. Yeah, it's been a little hairy at our house. My classes have been canceled 3 times, which has stressed me out almost to the breaking point. In elementary school you get a snow day and it's no big deal. In college, you get a snow day and the information gets crammed down your throat in less time-but you're still responsible for knowing every bit of it. My class schedules have been compacted, tests have been shoved in every direction, and professors are frantic to cover everything in the three weeks we have left until finals. It's been fun...or not.

On the plus side, I have freakishly developed arm muscles from shoveling snow.

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Brooklyn has been sporting a dry cough off and on all winter. She has been diagnosed with croup at least once, and has had a series of ear infections since November. I had her into the doctor several times before Christmas, but finally gave up trying to keep up with the constant stream of illness. One of the issues (benefits?) of receiving a medically focused education is the fuel it adds to my 'I hate doctors' fire. I know it's a bit backward, but I am really beginning to feel that most people are horribly over medicated, over treated, and immune systems are undervalued. Most of the time, illnesses and infections will clear up on their own. Not all the time, of course, but most of the common childhood illnesses that our young kids are afflicted with aren't worth a trip to the doctor. That being said-the last week or so I have suspected that Brooklyn has been showing symptoms of the same asthma illness that Kadon has had in the past. I have the machine, I know the mechanisms for treating it, but my medication is expire. I decided to go ahead and take her to the doctor so I can get a new prescription for the steroid I'm most familiar with. While there the doctor listened carefully to my concerns and quickly agreed with my home-diagnosis. She also looked in Brooklyn's ears and declared an active infection in one, and offered antibiotics (which I declined). I was surprised when she listened to Brooklyn's lungs and informed me that they sounded suspiciously like they are harboring fluid-a sure sign of pneumonia. The doctor asked me to take Brooklyn to the nearest children's radiology clinic to check out the status of her lungs, and I complied on my way home. Despite the fact that aside from a somewhat troubling cough Brooklyn has been acting completely normal, I'm still a bit anxious to get the results. At this point it is Friday evening, and I know the earliest I will hear from her pediatrician is Monday, so I will be watching her carefully and using my own stethoscope in the meantime to make sure she doesn't get any worse.

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Unless you've been living under a rock for the last week, you're well aware that the Winter Olympics are taking place in Vancouver, British Columbia. I've wasted nearly every evening in front of the TV, ensuring that my already precarious school situation has fallen even more behind. Really, I should be completing a chemistry assignment right now instead of watching the Men's Super G competition and blogging.

I'll get right back to homework. Just give me a minute, I swear. Just one more race?

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Valentine's Day was never a big deal when Ammon was alive. I don't remember what we did our earliest years other than a rose he bought me the first year we were married. After we started having kids, I know we usually made it a point to stay home, and I'd make a nice meal for dinner, then we would enjoy a good dessert after the kids went to bed. I didn't anticipate that this year would be any different-I don't remember struggling with it last year, I wasn't prepared to feel grief this year. Honestly, I suppose this year wasn't full of soul-crushing sadness either, but I did feel a sense of loneliness that grew as the day went on. I attended church on Sunday, and seeing all the happy families, the affectionate husbands, and the stolen glances-I shouldn't have let it all in. I've healed so much in the last 22 months, but I'm still adept at looking away from affectionate couples. I'm happy for them-especially if they're showing outward and heartfelt affection, I know they appreciate what they have together. Most of the time, though, I choose not to see it. I look away, I walk away, I pretend I don't notice. On Sunday, I found myself paying more attention, and more than a sadness that it was Valentine's Day and Ammon wasn't there, I found myself longing for normal days. For normal evenings, where we could curl up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and a movie. The holiday wasn't anything special, but missing Ammon was a painful tinge to it.

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During one of our snow days, I took the kids sledding. We had gone to this hill once before and had an excellent time, so I thought it was a wonderful idea to take the kids and go back. I don't know if I didn't bundle up Brooklyn enough or if she was as fed-up with all the snow as everybody else is, but she didn't handle the trip well the second time. Almost from the moment we got there, she cried. She demanded that I hold her, and even when I went down the hill with her on the sled she cried at the bottom. The boys were having a wonderful time, so I finally sat down on a snowdrift, unzipped my jacket, and nestled her into my chest with my enormous coat wrapping around both of us. She stuck her cold hands underneath my arms and huddled her face into my chest, crying the whole time. She was asking to go home, for a blanket, for a hug. After a few minutes I heard "I want Daddy". Brooklyn has heard Kadon say this in the past-usually in anger or frustration, and clearly it has made an impression on Brooklyn.

It hurt-so much-to hear my little girl ask for something she doesn't even understand. Daddy is only a concept to her, an idea that is loosely formed in her head. She has no idea what wanting Daddy means, or what he would provide for her.

Yet another way that this new life isn't what it's cracked up to be.