Today is the Super Bowl. This Sunday has always been a big deal in our family, and we've thrown a party every year for as long as I can remember. I wrote about the last big one we threw here. It was the last year we were in Utah, and was incidentally the day I found out I was pregnant with Brooklyn. For the Super Bowl the first we were married, we got together to watch the game with Travis and Christina, who would become and remain close friends over the years. We've had large parties and we've had small parties, and the first year we lived in Cincinnati we had no party at all, because we didn't know enough people. Last year, I couldn't watch it at all.
This year, our favorite team is playing in the Bowl again. It starts at 6:35 EST, and should be in full swing by the time the kids go to bed. At this moment, I'm still uncertain if I can bring myself to watch it. I stopped at the grocery store last night and considered getting some traditional Super Bowl snacks, but I didn't. It just wouldn't feel like a party to sit here and watch it by myself. I even briefly tried to find some people to come over and watch it with me, but I suspect those phone calls contributed to my malaise of the past two days so I'm not going to attempt that again.
All in all, it's another milestone, and I feel like it's a turning point-either I watch the game like I have every year for most of my life, or I miss it yet again-and set the stage for missing it in years to come. This grief journey is tough. It's hard, and there are no rules. I wish that a simple football game didn't give me cause for such reflection, but this is my life. I know if I don't watch it I will be letting the grief win. I know if I do I will sit on the sofa and long for Ammon.
Really, there aren't any winners.
3 comments:
My late husband's fave team won the AFC the night before he died. I made sure the tv was on in his hospice room even though he had no idea what was going on.
I watched the Super Bowl that year b/c his team was favored and I just knew they would win b/c somehow it seemed preordained - although that is crazy.
Later I heard that his friends gathered together to watch and someone claimed to have spotted him in the crowd. I like to believe that.
In the end, you should do what feels right to you. No pressure.
I don't have any words of wisdom to impart or really a comment on what you said, but I read it, and I think you're wonderful. :)
(((((HUGS))))) Victoria, Today has been a tough day for me. Watching the super bowl. Cheering for the Colts. The only reason I cheered for them is because of Ammon. I wish I could have been there today with you. Love you!!!
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