A Dream

I had a dream about Ammon last night. In it, he was laying over me, and I was kissing him. I wasn't kissing his lips or his face, but his shoulder and his neck. I felt everything vividly--the contours of his shoulders, the way his muscles flexed beneath his skin, the curve of his shoulders and the bend of his neck. I felt the texture of his skin, the distinct hardness beneath the softer tissue that speaks of my husband's body. I have no memory of what he was doing to me. In life, he would have been kissing me just as fervently as I was kissing his skin--but in my dream that part is strangely absent. I only know that for those brief moments--the longing for his touch was satisfied. I rejoiced at his presence in my arms--and my subconscious mind thought 'Finally! Finally, I have awoken from this terrible nightmare, and Ammon is where he belongs." I relished the taste and texture of his skin, and the feel of my arms wrapped around his sturdy body. Just as the passion reached a peak, I abruptly awoke. All sensation of relief, all comfort--immediately faded. I awoke alone in my bed, in the early morning hours of my 17th Sunday without him. All throughout today, I carried the memory of his touch. Of the feel of him within my reach, and although it was bittersweet, I am glad for the visit. I don't know if this dream--and the one other that was similar--are visits from him, or simply the manifestation of my internal longing for his solid presence. Part of me wants to believe that he is being allowed to visit me--touch me--in the way he was most comfortable with in life. Knowing my husband, in his longing to show me his love, he would choose to approach me in a physical way. Our physical love when he was on this earth was beautiful, and a cherished part of our marriage. My faith, as shaken as it has been, doesn't extend far enough to believe without doubt that last night was a visit from my lover. But I wish desperately that I could know that it was. I miss his touch, I miss his smell, I miss the taste of him on my lips.