I got an idea for a daily gratitude journal from a friends blog. The idea is to post one thing you're grateful for for the month of November until Thanksgiving. I know I'm a few days behind, but I'm having a really bad night and need the reminder of the blessings that I have in my life. Tonight I'll post 8, and then post one a day until Thanksgiving. Maybe forcing myself to look at the positive will pull me out of the funk I've entered today.
1. I am grateful for a solid marriage. I know that sounds strange, coming from a widow, but I am. I am grateful that between Ammon and I, there was nothing left unsaid, no opportunity for love left untaken. Our foundation was rock solid, and without a doubt would have withstood the test of time. So many marriages I see around me are at the very best not as good as they could be, and at the worst-failing. I am beyond gratitude that instead of looking back at our marriage with regret, I look back at it with a warm memory of loving the perfect man for me.
2. I am grateful for healthy children. In tandem with my marriage to their father, my three children are my greatest achievement in this life. They are three of the most compassionate, caring, loving children I have had the pleasure of knowing. Jeremy has stepped up as the man of the family, and though it breaks my heart daily to see it--he has learned to care for his siblings and his mother in a way that no 5 year old should have to do. He has learned such amazing compassion, and has helped tremendously to mend the broken pieces of my heart. When I look at Kadon, I see his fathers sparkling brown eyes staring back at me, and I pull that piece of Ammon close to me and hold it tenderly. Brooklyn I have cradled to me these past months. She has partially restored my shattered soul into something workable, and I will forever be in her debt-and the debt of her brothers-for pulling me from the darkest of places.
3. I am grateful for my faith. I thought that I had strong faith before Ammon died. I thought I had a testimony of the plan of salvation, of the existence of good and evil and of an eternal course for my life. On that dark Friday that Ammon was ripped from this earth, my faith was shattered into unrecognizable pieces. I struggled in an exceedingly dark place for most of the summer, and with the emergence of fall--my faith has emerged anew. Not every day, but most days-I place my future directly in the hands of my father in heaven. I don't yet feel strong enough to forge through this life without him, and perhaps I never will. I lean on him heavily, and pray often for strength. I'm grateful that he is always there, but especially that he has unfailing patience with my weaknesses. The last 7 months of my life have been harrowing, and have exceeded my worst nightmares--but I've lived through them. With his help, I'll live through many, many more.
4. I am grateful for a comfortable home. It sounds trite, but I am so grateful for four stable walls. Right after Ammon died, my head was swimming with the weight of trying to find a home for my children, while suddenly being without his income. We had no life insurance, and I have been home for the last six years raising our children. I thought for sure that I would be forced to move in with one set of parents or another, and was sick at the thought of packing up all our memories so soon in the wake of his death. Thankfully, finances were able to be straightened, and while we don't live her comfortably-we do live here. We have no plans to move anytime soon, and I am grateful to live in a place that holds many happy memories of easier times.
5. I am grateful for a strong church family. Ammon and I talked many times about the force that drew us to this small village in Ohio, and we often said that we felt pulled here for a specific reason. Of course, we had no idea that five short months after we moved into this area, the kids and I would be leaning so heavily on the ward for support. Our church is full of amazing, selfless people. I love each of them individually, and I love them collectively for the church that they represent. Many times, in my darkest moments, it has been somebody from the ward who has reached out and pulled me back up. I couldn't have survived without my ward, either.
6. I am grateful for my intelligence. I was incredibly overwhelmed at the thought of going back to school after 6 years out of the loop, but I am proud to say that the first quarter is nearly over, and I AM cut out for this challenge. I have been able to prioritize my time and get schoolwork done with time to spare. I have done more studying in the last two months than I did in my entire school career combined previous to this. My grades are excellent, and I foresee no change in the near future. I am capable, and that feels wonderful.
7. I am grateful for my family. I actually wrote that sentence, and then hit delete and started to type 'Ammon's family', but I know that statement is incorrect, and unfair. The Fellows are MY family. From the moment Ammon and I got married and I entered their lives on a permanent basis, they have pulled me right into the heart of their clan. I coudn't be closer to Russ and Mary than if they had a hand in creating me genetically, and I am extremely blessed to share that bond with two sets of parents. I have 5 sisters, 6 brothers, and 14 nieces and nephews. I have 4 parents who all love me for who I am, and for the love that we share as family members. All of them, collectively, have stood up and been there for me and the kids whenever I have needed them, and many times without me asking them. They know intuitively when I need them, and they always rise to the occasion.
8. I am grateful to Ammon. I know this goes without saying, and probably should be included in number one, but I feel compelled to list it separately. Through Ammon, I learned how to love. I learned how to accept another person fully, embracing their faults and their weaknesses. I learned through Ammon how to celebrate their accomplishments and victories. I learned with Ammon how to strengthen in times of sorrow and sadness. We cried, laughed, loved, and learned together for 8 years, and he will always be my soulmate. I know that he is waiting for me. Even now, I can feel his spirit near me-protecting me, guiding me, and loving me in his faithful, tender, patient way. Ammon taught me what perfect love means, and though it wasn't always easy to show that to each other-he taught me that it's possible. Ammon made the ultimate sacrifice for our family. He chose to leave this earth early, and to prepare the way for us to be with him eternally. He lived up to the covenants that we made here on earth, and now he works from the other side of the veil to make sure that we live up to ours, and that the way is made clear for us to enter the kingdom and arrive at his side. My heart overflows with gratitude for the kind of man that he is, and for the example his memory will set for our children. In each of them, I have a precious piece of him--but the biggest piece of him that I carry is in my heart. He gave me his heart, his soul, fully-without reservation-and I carry it with me still. For that, I will be eternally grateful to him.
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