This post started out as a message on the iVillage board that I belong to. It's a tight knit group of people and they have been there with me through losing Ammon and held prayer vigils the day we buried him. I consider these women among some of my dearest friends, and seldom hold back when they ask for an update. As I wrote this, I decided to go ahead and share it with all the readers here. It captures my emotions too well not to share.
Thanks everybody, for thinking of me. Emily has tried several times to get ahold of me since Wednesday, and I haven't been returning phone calls or responding to emails. Thanksgiving, as expected, was extremely difficult. I had class Wednesday afternoon, and the in law's stayed with the kids. After I got home, they took the boys back up to Dayton with them, and left Brooklyn and I here to finish up some errands. Dinner was scheduled for 2pm, and I finally dragged myself out of the house at almost 12:30 to make the 75 minute drive. En route, I called my sister who is in Utah celebrating with my family, and had a good cry. Again, during the prayer for dinner when my father in law prayed for the members of the family who weren't there--two siblings that live in different areas, and of course Ammon--I lost it again. I had to quietly leave the meal and retreat to the kitchen to collect myself. Not that I fooled anybody, I just didn't want to cry in front of them again. All day I was snappy and reserved, and I was breathed a heavy sigh of relief when the day passed. On Friday, my in law's started setting up there Christmas tree. I handled the tree alright until my father in law turned on Christmas music. It lasted about 60 seconds before I asked if I could turn it off. I know I'm being a witch, but I don't care. My mother in law has asked me what I want to bring for the annual Christmas Day buffet, and I flat-out told her that I'm not going to make a decision ahead of time. I'm not handling the approaching holidays well at all, and the idea of blithely planning what I'm going to eat that day literally makes me sick to my stomach. People keep asking when I'm going to put up my Christmas tree--and when I tell them I have no plans to do so, they don't get it. If I hear 'But the kids need it' one more time--I'm going to puke. Excuse me if I'm not feeling jolly and merry this holiday season. Excuse me if on Thanksgiving all I can think about is who ISN'T there, and don't spend enough time focusing on what I have to be grateful for. Excuse me if the thought of Ammon's 29th birthday on Wednesday--on which we plan to release balloons at his graveside--sends me into spasms of grief so strong that I can't see through them. For Family Home Evening tomorrow we plan to write letters and draw pictures to stick in the balloons, and on Tuesday I have to take the order to the balloon store so they will be ready on Wednesday. Wednesday I have to pick them up in the morning, then look at them in my house all day until we release them that evening. YEA!! I GET TO STRETCH THE VISIBLE GRIEF OF MY DEAD HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY OVER THREE WHOLE FRICKIN' DAYS!!!!!
Anyway, no. I'm not doing well. I'm not handling myself well, or any of the approaching holidays. Add to the mix of Thanksgiving, his birthday, and Christmas the fact that I'm going to be out of school for most of the month of December--and I'm TERRIFIED of the abyss of grief that is yawning open before me this month. I finally started to come out of the fog when school started this fall, and now not only do I not have that to fall back on, but it's right in the middle of the worst month of the year. I sincerely hope that I come through this month unscathed. I know intimately how far I fell during the summer months, and I don't know that I have it in me to rise out of that again. I am struggling to find a handhold to keep from falling down the slippery slope of grief, but everything I try to grab crumbles beneath me. I'm scared.
6 comments:
You are doing fine. You are doing the best you can and so are we. Christmas isn't just about feeling all "jolly". Santa Clause is NOT the real reason for the season. "Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward all Men" is the real reason. Rather than singing "Jingle Bells", you can sing "Silent Night". Giving gifts to your children is something that shows them at their level of understanding how much you love them. You don't really want to make this holiday season more sad for them than it needs to be.
Don't you see? What you're saying--that Jesus is the reason for the season, not Santa Claus--that's not what I'm sick about. It's the commercial, 'public' aspect of it. Just because I don't want to set up a Christmas tree and listen to Christmas music doesn't mean that I don't want to celebrate Christmas for my children. Above all, I hope to teach my kids to deal with grief in a healthy way. If that means there is nary a carol or a piece of tinsel in my house this year, so be it. You won't find me forsaking the gift of the birth of our savior, and accept that as the reason for the season. I'm not going to go out of my way to make the holiday more sad for my children--but I won't make a habit of shielding them from my pain, either. If I can teach them nothing else this holiday season--let it be that it is OKAY to be sad. It is OKAY to grieve the loss of their father, and it is OKAY to show it in a healthy manner. I don't think skipping out on the decorations is unhealthy. It's simply MY way of coping--nobody elses.
I rarely comment because I know that whatever I say doesn't help but I felt like I really need to tell you that I still think about you every day and still pray for you every night. LYLAS!
I hope you know that I am always thinking about you. I don't blame you for not wanting to put up a tree or listening to Christmas music. I totally get that. Good luck with the rest of the month. I know Wednesday is going to be really hard and I am keeping you in my prayers this season. I am here if you need to talk. Richard is in Idaho again so call anytime. If you don't want to talk I understand too. Just know that you are loved! (((((((((HUGS))))))))))
I know what it feels like when everyone wants you to look at what you have to make you feel better. I came to the conclusion long ago, that most people don't know how to deal with the grief and sorrow of those they love. Sometimes we don't want to be cheered up, just understood. Teaching your children that it is ok to be sad is a great thing. Taking a breather year from the decorating and such is OK. Someday you will begin again, beginnings have to have some room to grow in. Crying with you, and understanding. Love Meagon
(((HUGS))) Just want you to still know that you're being thought of and prayed for.
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