9 Months

I had almost forgotten that today was the 11th until I glanced at the calender. Like the 11th of every month, an electric shock coursed through my heart when I realized the date. 9 months!?!?! That's long enough to create a human life! I can't believe that it was a mere 9 months ago we were talking on the phone, chatting about the day we had planned, and I was blithely ironing the very same pants I put on this morning. How quickly it all fell apart. In 7 hours he was breathing his last drawn-out, shuddering breaths.

It feels so wrong that it's been that long. In so many ways, it still feels like such a dream. Like he's going to be back any time, and this is all some sick joke. In the eternal perspective, I suppose that's true. He IS going to be right back. I AM still his wife. We are still desperately, completely, faithfully, and truly in love. I will love him until the day I die, and much, much beyond that. Today, though, on the 9 month anniversary of his far-too-young exit from this life, I am feeling a spark of hope that there might be a future for me beyond this shattering loss. Never will Ammon's place in my heart and in my life be diminished--but I am starting to feel like I could find a connection with another soul that could be just as fulfilling-albeit in an entirely different way.

I posted a few days ago that I joined Chemistry. I made a connection with a gentleman who lives a couple hours away from me, and our communications have progressed steadily throughout the last week. Last night we were on the phone while I transformed my living room, and he laughed quietly at my muttered expletives. He was quietly supportive when I expressed my misgivings about getting back into dating at this point in my life. I don't think he's the next Love of my Life. He's a nice man, and we have a fair amount in common. We have tentative plans to get together for dinner in a couple of weeks, and I am looking forward to it with much reservation. It is very bizarre to be contemplating a dinner date with another man, but I suppose it would feel strange no matter how long I waited. I suppose I see Mr. Columbus (as I don't want to divulge more of him than I should) as a potentially good transitional relationship. Maybe it will come to more than that--maybe less. I don't know at this point. Maybe I will back out of our tentative date at the last minute and bow out of further communications with him.

I guess the point is this--at 9 months, beyond my wildest imagination--I am feeling more ready to move on. Not completely ready, I don't know if that will ever come. But I'm at least ready to make an effort. I miss Ammon. The kids miss Ammon. If I could wish him back, I'd break it off with Mr. Columbus so fast that his head would be left spinning above his shoulders. Without a second glance back, I would embrace my old life with open arms. But that simply isn't in the cards for me. Is living the rest of my life as a recluse the best way to honor Ammon? Is considering this date a mere 9 months after his death disrespectful to him in some way? I choose not to think so. I choose to believe that I am expressing the ultimate gift of hope and trust. I believe so strongly in the power of the love that Ammon and I shared that I am willing to take a chance to find something that good again. What better way to honor him than continuing my life? There is no doubt in my mind that this is what Ammon would want. I hope that there aren't any out there who have doubts in theirs.