I signed up for Chemistry the other night. It was a whim, but I've already exchanged several emails with a gentleman that lives about 2 and a half hours away. He seems nice, we've kept it casual, no rush and all of that.
Why, then, do I feel like I'm doing something wrong? Ammon is gone. He's not coming back, and he knew that I had no intention of staying single forever should he die young. This guy I'm talking to--we haven't even progressed past the 'How many kids are in your family, what kind of books do you like to read' stage, and I'm feeling weird about it all. Not exactly guilty, that's not the right word. Just......weird. I'm not supposed to be doing this. I'm not supposed to be having casual conversation with a member of the opposite sex, especially when he's single! Does this mean it's too early, or does this mean that it will simply take some getting used to? Does this mean it's not too early, but he's not somebody I should be talking to? It's not as though I have plans to run out and get married right away. I have extremely high expectations, and have no intention of settling for less than what I deserve. I would rather be single than spend a lifetime comparing what I had to what I have. That being said, it's been 9 months. 9 months is three quarters of a year. 9 months is the length of time it takes to create human life. 9 months, to me, is a long time to be single. 9 months is a long time to go without even the merest shred of possibility to change that status anytime in the next decade. As nice as this gentleman is and as much as we seem to have in common. I have no idea what I would do if he emailed and said he wanted to casually get together. I could see it happening reasonably soon, and the idea of getting all dressed up and driving somewhere to meet somebody who could potentially want to hold my hand or touch me....it scares me. Again, does this mean it's too early, or does this mean that it's just going to take some getting used to. It's all so very confusing. I have great faith that someday, somewhere, somebody is waiting for me. I have been promised repeatedly that there will be much love and happiness left in my life, and that I will have the chance to marry again. I know that these promises will never come true if I don't first put forth some effort.
Why, then, does it feel like I'm doing something wrong?
4 comments:
This post made me happy for you. I empathize with you when it comes to this topic b/c since following your life the past 9 months this conversation has come up between me and my husband so many times. He even told me a few days ago that someone like you (in your situation) would be someone he would want to find if something were ever to happen to me. Anyways...I think that no matter when you decide to "date" now or in 5 years...its going to be weird. You have been with this one person for so long and now it's okay to see someone else. Im sure you are getting lots of mixed emontions, but if he was aware of your intention to remarry when/if he died then don't feel like its wrong. And there is no time limit or rule that says you have to wait a certain amount of time either. You are doing great. I love your strength! Have fun!
Hi, just a cyper reader but like your blog. Not sure how I found it. I encourage you to visit blogs of women like yourself that are going through what you are. One I can recommend is Snickolette. She is a single mom of 2 1/2 year old twins in the Boston area that lost her husband to cancer. I recommend this because she talks a lot about the dating subject and how it doesn't feel right.
Just an idea. I think everything you are feeling is completely normal.
Wish you all the best.
Victoria, I was thinking about you all day yesterday. I hope you are feeling better with Jan. upon us. You know, I think that no matter when you decide to start dating etc. you are going to feel weird. My advice, for what it is worth, is to accept your feelings for what they are. Don't try to read to much into them and don't ignore them either. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. Anytime we step out of our comfort zone we are going to feel weird. Good Luck. I love you.
Hey Victoria--it's Heidi from the LDS board. I've only been blogging a few months and I don't think I've left a comment for you before! My heart has ached for what you are going through, especially as I've read your posts here. This is a huge step; I think would be natural to feel the way you are. I'm sure you'll know what steps to take as time goes on. You and your kids are in my thoughts often.
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