Learning

As I have struggled through the last week, I have been amazed anew at the people and information that the Lord places in my path to help me gain greater understanding and faith. On Tuesday night, at the end of a long hard day, two elders from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints arrived at my home. I had previously agreed to the appointment, but in the bustle of all the other struggles I experienced on Tuesday, I had forgotten. At the end of a very long, hard day I was trying to unwind and relax a little bit. I was in great turmoil from the events of the day. My heart and my soul were in anguish with an underlying tone of rage, and I was moving around my home in fits and starts, unsure how to process the events of the previous 12 hours. At 8 pm, just as the house settled into silence for the night, the missionaries showed up. I was a bit taken aback to remember that we had scheduled the meeting, but the thought of canceling didn't occur to me. They came into my living room, sat down, and asked how my day had gone. At first, I tried to laugh away the stress. I tried to make light of my personal tragedies. Soon, those two sweet young men broke down my defenses and I began to feel my true emotions. I spent the better part of their visit in tears of agony and defeat. Unknowingly, the missionaries had stumbled into my home at the hour of my greatest need, and their presence was an intense blessing. Elder Bevington, whom I have enormous respect for, had brought with him an article from a church published magazine. Midway through our meeting, he challenged me formally to read the article before they came to visit again. He showed me the title: Five Scriptures That Will Help You Get through Almost Anything and I admit, I scoffed.

"Anything, huh?" I asked, laughing.

In all sincerity, Elder Bevington replied "Yes. Anything."

I agreed to read the article, and after a touching prayer and blessing in which I was promised that the Lord has a plan for me and that his love for me is strong, they left.

Tonight, I finally sat down to read the article, and the truths held within it speak to me. How grateful I am that the elders were inspired to present this article to me. Tonight, I came upon this passage within the first few paragraphs of the article:

The fact is, bad things happen to good people. Brother Truman G. Madsen once asked President Hugh B. Brown of the First Presidency (1883–1975) why the Lord would put Abraham through the experience of being asked to sacrifice his own son. Obviously God knew that Abraham would be willing to do anything God commanded, and if that was so, why did the Lord put him through such a test? President Brown answered, “Abraham needed to learn something about Abraham” (Joseph Smith the Prophet [1989], 93).
God already knows what we’re made of, but perhaps He wants us to learn what we’re made of.

This simple truth rings in my soul. Of course God already knows what I'm capable of. He created me, he nurtured me, and he has buoyed me through countless tragedies during my life--both small and large. God has been there for me during my childhood years when I barely considered his existence, through my teenage years when I denied his existence, and through my early married years when I struggled to align my will with his. Even through the last 11 months, as I have suffered and mourned for the loss of my love--God has been there for me in ways both large and small. If nothing else during this year, I have learned this: I am capable of more than I thought I was.

If I could turn the hands of time and bring Ammon back to me, I would. I would return him to my arms, to my bed, to our children's lives. I would take joy in his presence and bask in his love, just as I did when he was on this earth. Never though, with Ammon here, would I understand my true capacity for success and endurance. In losing Ammon, I have discovered stores of strength, of endurance, and of perseverance that I would have had no reason to otherwise discover. In losing Ammon, I have been forced to call upon a faith, and to put my future in the loving hands of my Father in Heaven. In losing Ammon, I have learned what it truly is to love, and how it truly feels to let go of dreams and form new ones. In losing Ammon, I have learned that I am a strong, capable, faithful woman. I have the ability to raise my children, pursue an education and a career, and grow as a daughter of God. Without Ammon, I would have continued to simply coast. Without this extreme trial of my faith, I would not have the opportunity to experience the growth that has been mine over this last agonizing year. I would bring Ammon back if I could, and be grateful for his presence. But in his absence, I am grateful instead for what I have learned. If this path, this difficult, lonely, agonizing and mournful path is the one that leads our family to an eternity together, then I will tread it. I will walk the path that God has laid in front of my feet, and I will strive to do it with an imperfect faith.

In losing Ammon, I have gained a greater testimony. The trade off seems lopsided. But I will sacrifice all to be able to arrive in God's kingdom and have him say to me: 'Well done, thou good and faithful servant.'