Last Days

I'm feeling the need to chronicle the last days that we spent as a complete family, although I'm sure that there are details that I will never forget. The last Saturday in May, we had a particularly lovely day. We got up in the morning and enjoyed breakfast together, then we dropped Ammon's Neon off at Midas to have the oil changed. I remember how beautiful the morning was, with just a bite in the air, and I was excited for the day we had planned. We dropped his car off at the same place I had my oil changed several weeks ago, and the attendant remembered me. Ammon went in first to turn over his keys, and then I walked in behind him. The attendant looked up and said "I remember you" to which I replied "Yes, and be good to this guy, he's mine" The attendant smiled, glanced at Ammon in his basketball shorts and t-shirt, and said "You actually claim him?" I smiled at my husband, and said "I sure do." I have always been so proud of the love that we shared, and that moment was no exception.
After making the arrangements for the oil change, we all piled into the van and drove to a nursery to buy some house plants. All but one of my beloved houseplants were given away when we left Utah last summer, and Ammon had been promising for months to replace them, so I had finally set a day for that to happen. We wandered around the nursery for a little while, and found absolutely nothing that we liked enough to pay for. In desperation, we drove to Wal-Mart, where I happily plunked down $30 for more plants than I could actually fit inside our house. We stopped at Rally's for lunch, and then a good portion of that afternoon was spent re-potting all these new plants. After the potting was done and Kadon was up from his nap, we all took a walk to the gas station near our house. We were really working on fitness as a family, and the two miles we walked that day were pleasant, if tiring. After we got home we quickly had dinner, then drove back to Midas in order to pick up Ammon's car, getting home just in time to put the kids to bed.

The last Saturday that we spent together was the day after our tax refund had been deposited in our checking account. We were practically giddy with the realization that we had several thousand dollars to spend, and after I spent the bulk of the money on responsible things, we set out to explore the new IKEA that just opened near here. I remember that Ammon was vaguely grumpy that morning, which really annoyed me because I had been looking forward to this outing for several days. The trip to IKEA turned out to be a bust anyway, because it was so crowded and the kids didn't end up behaving very well. We purchased some new bowls, an umbrella, a spray bottle, and a set of plastic cups. On the way out, we stopped by the 'as-is' section, and looked very seriously at a new entertainment center. We recently bought a much larger flat panel TV, and it is currently sitting on top of our entertainment center, which puts the TV just slightly too high to view comfortably. The entertainment center was only about $50, but would require us to purchase a small cabinet to store our DVD's in. I was surprised that Ammon wasn't insistent on purchasing the piece of furniture, but in the end didn't push him into it. On the way home, I asked him why he hadn't wanted the furniture. His reply keeps running through my head these days. "I don't feel good about spending the money. I don't know, maybe I'm going to die, and you'll need the money for yourself." How I wish he had been wrong.

After IKEA, we stopped at Long John Silver's for lunch, then took the kids to the park to play for a while. Because it was slightly cold, Brooklyn was in need of a nap, and the park was crowded, we didn't stay for long. We stopped at Meijer on the way home, where we had a great time wandering through the aisles and buying several things that we needed. I purchased a new dust buster, and Ammon picked out some small Lego sets for the boys. That evening, we barbequed Cornell chicken for dinner. I'll always remember standing out on the back patio with Ammon, who was holding Brooklyn wrapped up in a blanket. I cooked the chicken, and we chatted with our next door neighbor who shares the patio with us. Just yesterday, that same neighbor came outside while I was getting Jeremy out of the tree, and said to me "I knew somebody had died, but I didn't know it was him. I'm so sorry." I couldn't reply to her, I didn't know what to say. How could she not have felt the world dim when he breathed his last??

On Sunday, being conference weekend, we stayed home with the kids. I had planned to play conference bingo while we listened to the talks, but had forgotten to pick up the necessary candy while we were at the store on Saturday. As a family, we all traipsed to the Speedway in our pajamas on Sunday morning and purchased Reese's Pieces, peanut M&M's, and peanut butter M&M's. In the mood to celebrate, we also picked up some soda. Jeremy and Kadon picked out root beer, and when Ammon joked that we were getting soda that he couldn't drink (he hated root beer) I picked up another 12 pack of caffeine free Mountain Dew. Those two cases of soda are still sitting mostly untouched in my pantry today.

Monday morning, Ammon and I made the decision that we need to stop discussing joining the YMCA as a family, and simply get it over with. Because Ammon got off work early on Monday's, he decided it would be a good idea for us to meet at the YMCA at 4 o'clock every Monday afternoon, where he and I could work out together while the kids were watched. I arrived several minutes before him and started getting our membership together, and then we each took turns getting our pictures taken. After we dropped the kids off, Ammon briefly talked to me about the kind of machines I should do and the workout that would be most effective for me, and then left to go swim laps while I did the elliptical machine. I remember that as I was using the machine, I could crane my neck and see through the window into the swimming pool, where I could watch him swim his laps. I remember feeling so proud of us for doing this together as a family. After several minutes of the machine, I looked up and saw Ammon walk into the cardio room wearing his exercise clothes instead of his swimming suit. My heart still leapt at the unexpected sight of him, and I was confused that he was standing there and not swimming anymore. He came up next to me and we laughed about the fact that he had inadvertently invaded the swim team practice time, and then he told me that he would be playing basketball in the gym and to let him know when I was done. When I finished my 30 minutes, we picked up the kids and stopped at O'Charley's on the way home for dinner. Ammon joked with me on the way into the restaurant that I hadn't showered after my workout, and was still wearing my pajama pants and a t-shirt. He said "I can't believe you're going out like this.", with a chuckle in his voice. I am not the type to go into public without getting dressed, and he thought that was hysterical. I remember that he had the mushroom burger for dinner that night, and at one point I felt like sitting across the table was too far away from him and the boys, so I scooted over until I was sitting right next to Kadon. I just wanted to be closer to my family.

The Tuesday before Ammon died, I took the three kids to the zoo in the afternoon. After we had been there for a little while, I became concerned that it appeared as though there was a couple following the kids and I . I had stopped to sit on a bench to feed Brooklyn, and called Ammon at work. He was very concerned, and requested that I go back and re-visited a display I had already been to, and if the other couple was still following me, to go directly to security. He also admonished me to keep the kids close to me at all times, and be excessively aware of my surroundings. I remember how quickly he snatched up the phone and anxiously said hello when I called him a little while later. I'll never know if those people were following us or not, but I will always remember how concerned my husband was for the safety of his family. We had a good time at the zoo that day, and I talked to Ammon on the cell phone again as we got into the car to leave, and told him of our dinner plans.

On Wednesday, I made plans to grill again. We had marinated chicken breasts for dinner, along with some really nice asparagus that Ammon helped me prepare. We ate reasonably early, and then decided that it was a perfect night to go to United Dairy Farmer's for ice cream. We love to go get ice cream as a family, but rarely have an opportunity between dinner and bedtime. Ammon and I both got sundae's, and the kids each had a scoop of Superman. I remember that Ammon didn't like one of the flavors in his sundae, so I finished it for him. We were always sharing food like that, though it was usually me that couldn't finish something and he would eat it. That night, we got the kids to bed and watched TV for a while before going upstairs.

Wednesday was also the last time that we made love.

On Thursday, Ammon rose early so that he could have time to get everything ready for work that day, then spent the rest of the morning watching cartoons with the kids. I usually watch my nephew on Thursdays until about 3, and at 1 pm I decided that I was cranky and needed to exercise. I hadn't planned to go to the Y that day because there was grocery shopping to do after Jarin went home, but when I mentioned that to Ammon, he immediately volunteered to do my grocery shopping for me so that I could get to the gym. I had a great workout, then stopped at the store and grabbed just enough for us to have dinner. When I got home, I emailed my list to Ammon, and he happily picked up everything that I needed at the store. I was very impressed with his ability to bargain shop and still come out with exactly what I had requested. I remember he told me when he got home that night that he had developed a new appreciation for how hard it is to feed a family of five on a budget of $75-$100 every week. I also remember telling him how much I appreciated his thoughtfulness. Thursday night I caught up some recorded TV while Ammon laid on the living room floor and read, and when Brooklyn woke up screaming at 10:30, it was Ammon who tried to get her to calm down and go back to sleep. 30 minutes later, she was still screaming, and Ammon told me that he was going to bring her to bed with him so that we could all get some rest. Frustrated, I told him I thought that was a bad idea and I didn't want to set a precedence of her sleeping in our bed. After another 15 minutes passed, I finally got out of bed and managed to get her calmed down. Ammon and I stayed up talking after that until after midnight, and when the alarm went off at 6 am on Friday morning, I remember how hesitant he was to get out of bed. I felt so bad for how tired he must have felt, and told him so when I spoke to him later that morning. I had an appointment with a personal trainer at the Y on Friday morning, and informed him that I was considering skipping the appointment because I had exercised every day that week and was tired. He told me that it was rude to stand up the trainer, and encouraged me to quickly feed the children, get them dressed, and eat breakfast myself after I got back home. I followed his advice, and really enjoyed the workout. When I got home I settled the kids down in front of some cartoons, Brooklyn down for a nap, and got ready to take a shower. I was talking to Ammon while I ironed the pants I was planning to wear that day, and we talked about the 5K he was planning to run later this summer, and about our plans for the evening, which included a 'date night' we had planned with his parents. I was planning to pick up some fish to grill for dinner, and we discussed what to serve with is and what games we would play. Uncharacteristically, Ammon also told me that he wanted the kids and I to drive up to work and have lunch with him. I scoffed, and told him it was silly to drive 30 minutes each way to have lunch when he was planning to be home at 4 o'clock, but he persisted that it was a good idea. I discarded the idea, and moved on to my shower. I remember after my shower taking extra time getting dressed and doing my hair and makeup. For some reason, it was very important to me that Ammon think I looked beautiful that day. When I finally made up my mind to drive to his work for lunch, I didn't call him until I was on the road, and he was pleasantly surprised to hear that I was on my way. After eating a fairly quick lunch, we were on our way back to his office building, and he looked at me and said "You look really pretty today." I shyly smiled back at him and said "I was wondering if you were going to notice. I didn't get all dolled up for the kids." He had such a warm, pleasant look on his face, and I knew how proud he was that we were his family and that he had the opportunity to show us off to his co-workers. When we got ready to leave his work that day, Brooklyn opened her arms and leaned into him, which is something our little Mommy's girl has never done. I could practically hear Ammon's heart swell with pride and affection, and he gave her a warm embrace. We kissed goodbye and he told the kids he would be home in two hours. As we left the building, I caught his eye one last time and flashed him the sign for 'I love you'. He flashed it back, and then went back into his office.

On my way home from lunch, I stopped at the grocery store and picked up the ingredients for our meal. I talked to Ammon no less than three times while I was in the grocery store, and as I was checking out he called again, and I was playfully irritated with him. He asked me about another ingredient he wanted to be sure to have on hand, and I only half jokingly told him that if there was something else he needed, he'd have to stop on his way home and get it himself. What I wouldn't give to have him call me over and over again today.

When Ammon got home from work Friday night, I was in a frenzy of cleaning in preparation for his parents arrival. I had the boys picking up toys, and was attempting to put Brooklyn down for a nap. Ammon walked in and immediately got to work preparing a sauce for the trout. I remember the clenching pain in my heart after he had died, when I walked into the kitchen and saw the radishes on the cutting board and the trout on a cookie sheet in the refrigerator. We ended up preparing the trout for lunch on Saturday, and I couldn't bring myself to eat it. Even knowing that my husband had prepared it as one of his last loving acts on this earth, I couldn't get past the fishiness of the meal. If Ammon had been with me, I would have blushed and admitted that I didn't care for it. He would have been incredulous, and perhaps a tiny bit frustrated, but he would have gladly eaten my portion. Instead, I threw it away. I think that was one of the first moments that I really, really missed him.

Only an hour before he died, as we passed each other in the living room, he picked up Brooklyn. I had changed her diaper and left her laying on the changing table while I attended to some other task. When she started to fuss, Ammon picked her up and was playing with her. I quickly grabbed my camera, and took some shots of her in his arms. An hour later, he was dead. An hour later, our lives were shattered and our futures became so terribly uncertain.

These memories, the ones I have shared in probably terribly boring detail here, are what I cling to now. The love, the laughter, and the good times that we shared will forever live in my heart. I know that during the evenings last week we played games at least twice, and one night Ammon helped me fold laundry before bed. I can't begin to shape my days now. I don't know how to plan meals, laundry, and outings without the anchor of my sweet husband. Perhaps, in time, I'll learn, but for now I feel lost and drifting.